just a few weeks ago was the day my sweet firstborn would've been 6. it was the day after lena's eye surgery and the day before heading to michigan. a wild time. so i'm just now sitting in the early morning quiet of my house & thinking about how he'd be going into 1st grade. or maybe kindergarten.
what has creeped in with the years is some anger alongside some weariness of missing him.on july 20, we celebrated as best we could. no gravesite visit. we were in a hotel & in the van. we tried to find a place that had pancakes & couldn't, so we had french toast at a delicatessan. they were delicious, but i was angry. i wanted pancakes. and it was as it usually is...it was not about the pancakes. they were just the thing that made it all flow out. that happens sometimes in me, sad & mad get all jumbled up.
my heart will always burst with joy over eliot...knowing him, holding him, smelling him. always. there will always be joy in my deepest places when i close my eyes & remember what the curve of his back felt like in my palm. but it's that missing him that makes me mad.
time swirls by, all around me like leaves caught up in a fall wind of change. but eliot. he doesn't change. those 99 days. they stay the same. etched forever in my memory. the rear view mirror. and this bus doesn't turn around. i think that's where the anger enters in. a catch 22. i wanna be back there & i wanna be right here going forward in this beautiful life too. and a new day will come...oh i know its coming & i long with great anticipation of that day.
but it's the repetition of the now. 6 years seems like a long time to have been without him & i know 7 will follow. then 8 & which year will it be that the color of the pictures begin to fade & which year will hazel drive to meet me at the cemetery?
in my heart that is where hope seems elusive. just outside of my grasp when grief weighs so heavy.
just like in any journey, looking back shapes what's ahead. today it's 6 years behind. next year i'll have to look back 7 years, but i must look back while moving forward. i must look back into the wee hours of the morning in a rental house on ila street when i beheld the mystery and majesty of God in a 6 lb boy. i must be as desperate for Him each moment of today as i was then. i must love hazel, anders and lena with the love that i started to learn then... the one that knows they are His.
and lesson after lesson after lesson.
and it's not the magic i want because the anger of missing eliot doesn't vanish immediately. but it shifts & fades in comparison to things of Him.
in glancing back, in seeing God then... i will see Him now.
our little family blog
such a beautiful post, ginny. love to your sweet family.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and moving.
ReplyDeleteHi Ginny,
ReplyDeleteJust a little over a month ago, I lost twins (in utero) and was forced to have a D&C after seeing them healthy and happy on previous ultrasounds.
I remember hearing your story 6 years ago when it happened. I remember because you and I have some mutual friends and at the time, I was living in Fayetteville, too. When I first lost my babies someone even referred to your story as one of hope. (I don't have any children on earth yet, my twins were to be my first).
Thank you for writing. Thank you for admitting there is still anger and grief mixed up in the loss of your precious baby boy, Eliot, even 6 years later. It gives me hope because I know you are experiencing so much joy in Lena, Hazel and Anders, but you still long for Eliot in Heaven. It gives me some hope because you have hope in the Lord even when negative emotions still flood you.
I am still sorting through all of this, but wanted to thank you for your words above. They have helped me in my own journey.
-Anne
Wow, that's breathtaking, like I can feel a piece of your pain and love and trust in Him all at once.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. I don't know you, but I always check in on your blog & Matt's. You are amazing. I, too, get sad and mad jumbled up sometimes. Praying for peace for you and your family!
ReplyDelete