fat birds

i've been a bit wound tight lately.  not sure exactly what it is about the last few months that would make me worry about silly day-to-day stuff more than the previous few months.  but i have.

anders may be sick...my stomach tightens, how will i manage this?
hazel pitches some fits...this isn't like her at all, is she ok?  she's so independent but am i giving her enough of me?
lena is stimming more (self-stimulating behaviors as a result of her background)...is she alright? is she sad?  is she trying to get more attention? what is it she is trying to tell us?  
matt & i have a lot of life and running the fam decisions to make and sometimes end up not communicating well in all the madness...how can we talk to each other better?  we love each other so much & we're on the same team, why does it not feel this way right now?
hazel is going with me on a trip...will the others feel left out and resent me?  is this spoiling her?
running late for preschool....my heart races, matt and i race to get everyone in the van. oh, now we'll be late for lena's therapy too and no matter how early i wake up we are always late. 

so. what. if. we're. late.  why does that matter?
it doesn't.
and i want to be the mom that says "oh well" about things that don't matter & i want to be the mom that hits my knees and trusts the Father relentlessly over the things that actually do matter.
but i haven't been that mom lately.
i know i can be, though, because the birds out my kitchen window. they are fat birds.
our friend & pastor,  his family has been through a lot over the years.  he had a heart attack, his wife has battled cancer, and to top it all off their house burned to the ground at one point in there too.  he tells the story of expressing frustration to his wife & she tells him what Jesus tells us all.
look at the birds.

"look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. are you not worth much more than they? and who of you by being worried can add a single day to his life?" matthew 7:26-27

the reality is, it's all a lot to manage around here.  there really IS a lot going on.  i can't ignore that.  we have our dear one, karly...babysitter/nanny extraordinaire who comes 2 or 3 days a week.  she folds more laundry than any 20 year old ever has.  and at the end of a few hours with her over her, i get close to feeling like it's all gonna get done & all come together.  but i never actually get there.
point is, i'll never feel like it's all done.  i'll never manage it all.
and if it's not tasks, if it's worrying about how my kids are doing.
i'm never gonna be enough or do enough for them.  that role belongs to Jesus & Jesus only.
and He is so worthy of my trust.  He can take it all.

whenever God speaks of anxiety or worry...i can't find one place where He says anything like:

yes, yes, I say don't worry but look at yyyouu, you have more to manage than I realized when I said don't let your heart be anxious.  all those excuses to be stressed, I didn't think of those so carry on being uptight because the only way to work with anxiety is to do more.

Therefore, humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:6-7

instead what we hear is more like:

I care.  I care about all that is hard to manage.  I care about how much you desire for your kids & I have more than you can imagine prepared for them...you can't change that.  but you gotta give ME all of it.  you'll never manage or control any of it alone.  cast it on Me, because I love you and I care. 

so i will look out the window more at those birds.  and carry my rod and reel under my arm, knowing that i don't cast out into the deep blue unknown but to the living waters of One who cares, who loves, who's got this even when i don't.