leaving on a jet plane

"This is one of the most challenging and least practiced disciplines among Christians today. When we are silent, we come face-to-face with out addiction to being in control and always trying to fix things."
-peter scazzero, on silence and solitude

all week i was a mess upstairs.  i mean, my mind.  i want it to be smooth sailing up there but mostly it's more like that crazy ship in goonies with all the traps.

a few years ago, matt and i made it a goal to have quarterly respite.

{{respite is defined as "a short period of rest or relief from something difficult"....this is the heart of the part of 99balloons called rEcess.  and since it is a big part of what we long to give to others with kids with special needs, we decided after lena had been home for a while and we were in the thick of understanding what parenting her would look like...that taking an occasional break from the type of care we so love to give her would be healthy and good for our marriage and souls.  it would also be equipping for being the type of parents we want to be to all of our incredible kiddos.}}

so the goal was, and is, 4 distinct times a year that is set aside for rest.  this can be a day long break alone or a more planned out vacation for the 1 or the both of us.  for christmas, matt gave me a trip to los angeles.  i had never been there.  he had a conference near there for part of the week and i got to fly out to meet him when he was done working.
easy peasy. right. wrong.
leading up to leaving i was a mess.
the addiction to control that scazzero mentions is legit.  and super sneaky.  when you actually do have a lot of responsibility with the day to day functioning of a household with little lives involved, it can tend to feel like it's all about you.  you're in control and it all depends on you is the myth.  there must be a way to walk in my calling as a mom of all 4 of my kiddos and still allow my mind and heart to maintain a posture of surrender.  if it is all His, the kids He loves more than we can imaging, the home and tangibles He has given us...then He is in control, not me.  but there was no telling me that before my vacation...
i can't leave.  this is too much to put on other folks.  lena may not eat. what about her toileting...i can ask someone else to cover that for a few hours, but a few days?  that's alot for someone that's not her parent.  and weather, what if icy snowy roads makes them stuck somewhere and i'm in sunny LA.  what if anders or hazel gets really sad that we're gone. what if, what if...

and it went on and on...yep, addiction to control.

but no matter what i choose to dwell on mentally, the truth remains the truth.  He is the One in control.  and so i felt a mess, but i left.  i don't know the answer or solution to the addiction to control and how to fully let go.  but i'm learning...and i got on that plane and sat in silence for 3 1/2 hour flight. no screens, no music.  some silence and a little reading.  and that's a start.