frazzled

it's raining.  lena has a check-up with the pediatrician and it's spring break which means i've been solo.  the babysitters are all working on their tans on some beach, hazel & anders haven't had mom's-day-out, the in-laws are on vacation & it's been raining all week.  so, i gear up to take all 3 to the doc by myself & no amount of preparation can prepare one for the chaos that unfolded in the next few hours.  i throw some snacks, playdough & crayons in the bag & take one child at a time to the van with the umbrella.  all three have been already been crying for various reasons...lena is exhausted but just doesn't sleep in the daytime, anders can't really wake up from his nap & hazel doesn't want to go potty before we leave.  we walk into the waiting room which is enough of a novelty to keep hazel & anders entertained for a moment, but lena is overwhelmed & tired & crying.  by time we get to the exam room, hazel & anders have keyed in on the fact that lena is crying, understanding better than any 3 & 2 year old should be able to, that mom won't exactly be able to direct behavior as she usually does.  so, they seem to just pounce at this opportunity.  i walk lena next door to weigh her & in  the few moments it takes to do so, great "excitement" erupts in the room where hazel & anders were fighting over who would sit on the foam seal seat.  they are both trying to inflict bodily harm on one another because nothing says i should hurt my brother over this like a small purple foam seal.  when lena, the doc & i returned to the room & attempted to break it up, there were shouts of "nooooo", bodies flailing on the floor & anders hit me a few times.  all the while, i am holding crying lena & somewhere in there anders begins to flick the lights on & off and somewhere in there the pediatrician actually changes anders dirty diaper. (remember this is an appointment for lena, not anders...have mercy)
are you getting the picture here?  they were eating my lunch.  i was that frazzled mom that people stare at...outnumbered & completely overwhelmed & definitely not in charge.  
let me change that, i am that frazzled mom these days.
i'm not gonna lie, the last few weeks have been a bit rough like that.
sometimes the kids just "win"...ya know what i mean?  and that day at the doctor's office, they were all 3 gold medalists.  after all, the majority of any given day, i am outnumbered 3 to 1.  they are all great kids.  hear me say this:: great, great, great kids.  but they are also small... 5, 3 & 2...& somedays they just win.  they are learning their world around them in three very different ways.  i am supposed to be their tourguide in this, only i have never been here before & how do you show the way in such unfamiliar territory?  so, it feels like time & time again i fail them.  now, i know this isn't true, but it is how it seems & it is the lie i fight over & over.  i mess up about 5000 times a day & ya know what? they mess up, too.

"hazel, tell anders you are sorry"

"anders, tell hazel you forgive him" 

"hazel & anders, mommy should not talk like that, will you forgive me?"

"lena, i'm sorry i pushed you to play like that, i now know you don't like it & we won't play like that again"

and i am learning that all of this is ok.  i will be frazzled & i will be forgiven.  they will cry & they will be held.  we are all ok.  we are all learning.  we are all growing.  all of this is grace & gospel.  little people & grown-ups just needing the One who holds us all together to actually hold us all together every moment.

and the grace is poured out & over & all around & this frazzled momma is just trying to soak it in instead of letting it pour past.

out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord.  

Lord, hear my voice! 

let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.  

if You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?

but there is forgiveness with You, 

that You may be feared.

i wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, 

and in His word do i hope.

my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning; 

indeed more than watchmen for the morning.

o isreal, hope in the Lord;

for with the Lord there is lovingkindess, 

and with Him is abundant redemption.

and He will redeem Isreal from all his iniquities.

Psalm 130