bravery

when i drop off hazel or anders at preschool they typically bounce in and just wave me goodbye.
but sometimes, just sometimes, they'll cling tighter to my leg and maybe even whisper "i don't wanna go today".
i bend down and whisper back to them of bravery.
i tell them how brave they are and how God has such great plans for their every moment.  i tell them to not let fear get in the way of the courage God wants to give them today.  it's like a great gift that would be left unopened.
and i alsoooo may mention that i'll have chocolate for them at pick-up if they can not whine and be brave.

bravery seems like a macho thing.  big muscles and big words telling everyone how tough you are.
but no one really buys it & that's not being brave at all, that's being fake.
bravery is not the facade of putting a good face on things when they aren't going as planned.  bravery is not "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps"... those so-called boots just usually walk around the mudpuddles and it's really fear that avoids.
no, none of those things are bravery.

the real brave ones, they go barefooted straight through the mud and muck...not only that, but they come out on the other side not shiney with big beaming muscles, but they come out muddy, bruised, tired, refined.  they didn't walk around it, they went through it and lived to talk about it.

i am married to bravery.
matt mooney is one of the bravest people i have ever known.
when i first met him, i was actually taken aback by his honesty.  and what i didn't see then was what i understand now.  the courage and confidence and authenticity it takes to believe truth, live truth, speak it and for matt, to write it out.
and now, that is what he has done.

a story unfinished is matt's book of our journey...with our sweet firstborn son, with the darkness of grief and the unexpected ways God has moved and meshed pain and joy in our lives, and Jesus, so much Jesus that we couldn't deny Him even in the lowest moments of loss.
but the side story, to me, his wife of 12 years and the one that walked through each line of that book in real life with him...the side story is the one of matt's great bravery.
the side story of God gently & beautifully giving Matt words to write & Matt being brave and faithful and patient enough to actually do it.
the kinda courage it takes to write this book makes me catch my breath.

and i am so grateful for his bravery.  for his vulnerability and his boldness to speak truth about hard things and beautiful things and all that our journey entailed.

i'm always sad about forgetting things of eliot.  sometimes i weep because i'm not sure if i can still remember the way he smelled.
but, now, i have this.  and am overwhelmed with thankfulness that he did it and so proud of him for doing it.
thank you, matt mooney, thank you.