getting away

you know those days?  the autumn cloudy days where there is indeed sunshine.  it's just more difficult to see than the days where it falls in large obvious rays.  both days have the same sun up there.  it just takes a bit more brainpower to see it on the cloudy day.  it's harder to see that the cloud cover filters the light of the sun but you can see that the colors all around are more brilliant.
that's the kind of day last sunday was.
 my (actual) 34th birthday and the 7 year anniversary of eliot's passing.

7 years since...  the last moments with him and saying goodbye and much of the things that could rip a heart right out when you remember but definitely will if you don't.  and there will be sadness and the deep ache rises a bit, but if i don't make the time to remember through pain, i don't take the time to remember through to the truth of hope.
fight or flight?  i always choose flight.  escape.  sometimes i feel like if i could just get away, i could breathe a bit better.  and sometimes it's that unhealthy running away, but sometimes it's a holy being away.
running versus being.
it's not about the kids and the messy house and the season of wonderful crazy we're in but it is about being able to think and sit alone before God and with Him.  
with Him...it's the only way to live without him.

the 7 year anniversary of eliot going home.  which seems like such a long time ago, and i am always trying to come to grips with the fact that it is only getting longer. matt is the quick one.  he processes how we feel with great clarity (and of course with great words) right when we feel them.  he looks right at the surroundings as we pass it by.  but for me, i only see in the rearview mirror.

and that is just what we did.  we got away and it was a set apart time to look back and when grief threatens to strangle, time looking in that mirror and remembering the miracle of my firstborn is a loosening.  and more miracle in the fact that i really can breathe deep.
just matt & i spent less than 24 hours at my parents' cabin near the buffalo river in north central arkansas, but it was plenty of time.  it was cloudy.  i couldn't see the sun directly, but the evidence of rays were all around.  and on a gloomy day, we spotted brilliance against the dark.  and that is what Jesus does and who He is... against the dark, real light, real hope.