orbit of the mooneys: lately

i guess if i were honest, i'd say that i really thought those snow days would swallow me up whole.
but i'm still here.
i use this space to remember and i haven't put any memories down in a while. it's like i've skipped february and march and just went from january to april.
i want to blame this on winter, but the reality is there are just seasons of struggle regardless of the weather. where the days blur into weeks and months and the soul is just ready for spring.
and i am ready for spring. for something new to come on in with the sunshine.

and these kiddos, they have been my winter teachers ... when i should be the one leading and shepherding them, they are the ones instructing me in joy and contentment and laughter. in flexibility and creativity. they wear their hearts and emotions on their sleeves and sing at the top of their lungs. they revel in the gifts and talents God has given them.
anders looks at the world more and more, in his own unique way each day. he uses rubber bands in some contraption to rig the door and lock and he just wants to practice basketball. when my mom asked him his favorite team in the tournament, he said "the presidents". i (like the good mother that i am) dismissed this as him being goofy or confused. then he explained he was talking about "the first president"....what? then we pieced it all together. george washington. he was rooting for george washington university.
hazel is so black and white and smart and logical. art and musicals (mainly annie) make her come alive these days. i hug her goodnight and she whispers in my ear that she wishes annie was her sister. she wrote her first "book" the other day. it was actually more like a poem. unprompted, with illustrations and the last 2 lines even rhymed. i registered her for kindergarten last week and i miss her already. it's cliche to say that she's my friend, but she truly is my friend. she is my baby too, but when i drop her off at that elementary school day after day, i won't miss my baby, i'll miss my friend.
lena expresses outwardly the impatience and frustration as well as excitement and happiness we all know how to socially press down. she is learning and growing, which has been great for her mind and development and yet at the same time difficult for her to handle emotionally. and she and i continue to wrestle to figure out day to day rhythm while living with autism. i invite others into the wrestling, but she continues to prefers me. she teaches me what real love is and when i kiss her goodnight at the end of a tumultuous and choatic day full of her screams and my failures, i thank her softly. i thank her for teaching me that love doesn't mean i have to have anything figured out.

and all these lessons from them. it's more grace than i can handle. because i have struggled through it and His gifts, they don't come when i'm enough. when i've tried hard or picked myself up when the weight of just day to day life crushes.
they just come.
despite me.
if i were God, i would withhold all this goodness until one got their act together. do more things that line up, worry less, read more, have more patience, get it together rather than just sitting there in a season of struggle. but this isn't the way He works.
i don't understand it but i can't deny it.
grace. so much grace.